psychic: you're going to be run over by a small SUV [later] me: {being hit by a subaru outback} i mean i'd call this more of a crossover but whatever

I never fail. The word "failure" just isn't in my vocabulary. I call it "making a fucky boo-boo" and I do it literally ALL the time

losing a lot of friends and family because i insist on having my own 90s-sitcom-style catchphrase that i work into every conversation but that's showbiz baby

prank your friends by giving them unconditional love and support for the rest of your life

The thing is you could eat someone’s entire backyard garden and it would be less than 300 calories so what are we doing here

i remember when twitter discourse was just about things like whether they could do surgery on a grape, how they did surgery on a grape, what we all felt about them doing surgery on a grape, etc

If you continue to exist, you may be entitled to compensation

but what if chris rock had been a 500-year-old hobbit whose body and mind had been twisted by the corrupting influence of the One Ring and will smith was tasked with destroying the ring by casting it into the fires of mount doom?

miss me with that "text me when you get home" bullshit, when one of the fellas leaves i just hide in the back seat of his car to make sure he gets home okay then sneak into his house and make him some soup

i got stuck between my couch cushions for like four months what'd i miss

bird man. i kept leaning over and whispering "that's him. that's bird man" to my girlfriend every time they showed michael keaton until she broke up with me & then i didn't really understand what was going on the rest of the movie because i was crying too hard

Carl Jung said dreams are the psyche's attempt to communicate important things — like how you’re a disgusting little freak and also a weirdo

Trying to do fewer things so I’ll take up less of the universe’s ram and maybe we can move this thing along a little faster

Gentle reminder: Not all people are visible. Be careful when you’re driving and look out for invisible people. You have to pay attention to like if you see a cell phone just sort of hanging in the air

why are you, as a man, writing a book about giant bugs living in a peach, when you have never even been a giant bug living in a peach

Can I pet your dog? Is he a schnauzer? Yeah. What do you think he dreams about? Haha I just mean do you think he dreams he has hands? Human hands? To touch your face? Do you think he dreams about feeling the curve of your cheek with his human hands? Or whatever?

if twitter dies I’m just gonna roll up all my tweets and shove them into a blowgun and shoot them at your heads

“humans aren’t monkeys”

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff? shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good