I think that funnel cake is better than the recognition we give it

i love it when i stump the IT guy. aha you thought this would be a quick ticket. just remote in, click one button, and make me look like a fool. but alas, i have fucked things up more than you could’ve imagined

"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" oh it's ok you can just kill me next time

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

I’m really proud of the hawk tuah girl, getting this much mileage out of being funny one time is normally a male dominated field

don't talk to me about football until i've had my cyanide pill

This guy in this elevator is staring at me while I am tweeting about how loudly he is clicking his tongue while chewing his gum.

Decaf coffee sounds like something you should be forced to drink in purgatory.

Poets be like, “hark the wind” and it’s mostly a horse farting.

As a kid, I visited my grandparents in New York often, but not once did I experience the joy of pooping on a subway.

Camping as an adult makes no sense to me. As a kid, I went camping mostly to get away from my parents for a few days. Now I have a house thousands of miles away from them that serves the same purpose.

me as a corpse: It's just allergies!

There is no parking lot on earth worse than a Trader Joe’s parking lot. I’ll die on this hill.

not to be a boomer, but maybe not ALL my feelings are valid??? some of them are trash honestly

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

Next James Bond movie should have a girl named Polly Amorous

45 is weird because am I far too old for Velcro shoes or am I far too young for Velcro shoes?

I used to date the guy who invented the crop feature in photoshop but he’s out of the picture now.

It's like my mom always said, what the fuck is wrong with you