Shit's about to get real. #newhampshire #livefreeordie #wellprobablydie

Visits to a Starbucks bathrooms: 40. Percentage of time someone also needs it: 100. Percentage of the times they've knocked: 0.

"The only thing that made the pain go away was the heroin." Me: "Try Words With Friends." #braindead

I’m always reminded of my mortality when I hear the savagery of the airplane toilet flush.

I'm in Wellfleet right now and we almost literally had a Sharknado

Nothing like a little irregular exercise to make you realize you're not nearly as physically capable as you think

My wife and I were surprised at how surprised we were that Eminem performed Lose Yourself at the #oscars. Martin Scorcese had a 1,000-yard-stare the whole time, which is not surprising

How the hell did this make it through the copyeditor at the Worchester Telegram?

If you really want to connect with someone who has a different opinion, one popular method is to be a smug asshole

How it all went down...T-Mobile Rob Gronkowski #ad

I just realized the entire movie amadeus is just a Salieri reaction video

We can help you find the broken things before the intern has to. #quality

5 movies you're confident you've seen at least 10 times 1. Ferris Bueller's Day Off 2. Shawshank Redemption 3. Transformers: The Movie (1986) 4. Robin Hood (animated, Disney) 5. Die Hard

"Goodnight. Don't get out of bed." "But what if there's a fire?" "Just probably die? I don't know" "But what if I have to throw up?" "Throw up on the fire. Goodnight." #dadalldone

Here's 8 tactics to make you a better speaker. -A Thread-

"... so we can effectuate process improvement." [raises hand] "When you say that, do you simply mean 'improve'?" "... I supposed you could s-" "Kill yourself."

The Rebirth of Slick is the Ulysses of rap songs. It came out 30 years ago and experts are still trying to decipher it

The three things Twitter has done that I've hated the most are 280 characters, changing favorites to likes & destroying human civilization

Wow, what a frank discussion about handwashing between an employer and her employees -- I feel like I'm eavesdropping!

A part. Apart. One space, TOTALLY different meanings