Some girl deadass just came up to the lifeguard stand and said she lost her glass eye . And I just replied casually I’ll keep an eye out for it….

Bay head cop : why were you swerving? Me: oh my bad man was listening to creed ***No ticket ***

This tweet goes out to the fuckface DoorDash prep guy at the bagel joint who gave me strawberry milk instead of chocolate. Gunshot wound to your head , parking lot 8 pm sharp

This chick came up to me at the train station & asked how this whole thing worked I replied well ur in luck because what youre gonna do is get on this train and when you think you’re close to your house you get off at that stop She hated the advice and threw a 7/11 pizza at me

For the first time in my 10 years of the service industry, I spilled a drink on someone while handing it to them and it was actually really funny . Will prob do it occasionally for fun

We all agreed that this kid looked like Ellen Degeneres and Kev goes yeah I bet he’s over there giving out cars

Audacity

If I saw one more balenciaga shirt in Hoboken I’ll have a FIT

Your boy has pneumonia . Excited and honored for this opportunity

9/43 17 yards 8 INT That’s my qb let’s rip Zach !

BIG thoughts this morning. we have mambo #5 , where was 1-4 ??

Imagine knowingly ordering salmon at ihop

Walked into this party in long branch , first thing I saw was a kid doing vape tricks on the kitchen table . On my way home now

Hey so idk if you want this but it’s a $20 target gift card, some people pronounce it TARJAAAAY. Let me know

Bitches be devious

Woke up to this chick rubbing my face . Cute . Soft palms for sure however never called an Uber ambulance so fast . It’s Saturday miss , calm down

Anybody doin anything for Ash Wednesday

All fun and games until she asks what your love language is

Dropped my entire drink on the blackjack table, got reprimanded (nicely) and kindly won 4K after. Thank you kind dreadlock guy for helping me through those tough hands. @ at do ac idiot

Pull a couple hoaxes with the boys nbd