When I grow up, I want to be a rock star. No one ever says, "I want to be a Brooklyn noise trio when I grow up."

If sentences are to have any meaning, parenthetical jargon is non-negotiable.

I don't think "clear-headed" belongs anywhere near this sentence.

Pitchfork all yearning for the days when Win Butler sang about his earnest belief that he FOUND a CONNECTOR over and over again.

I don't know which is more pathetic: the hilariously small amount of interest in my website or Facebook's need to notify me about it.

War on Drugs guitar solos remind me of my drunk playing -- five notes with epileptic vibratos and toggle-switch volume tricks on max gain.

I'm crawling out of semi-retirement. Expect something in the next couple of weeks.

I gotta pick up this "EXTRAORDINARY" 8.5-rated LCD Soundsystem album to play on my EXTRAORDINARY computer in my EXTRAORDINARY home office.

My self-editing process: 1. Make it shorter 2. Anticipate criticism 3. Be less of a dick 4. Stick to the purpose I'm rusty.

NEW -- I wrote about Pitchfork's uneven response to the assault allegations against clare and MAKE OUT HILL - XXX. ripfork.com/2017/09/pitchf…

I'm not used to this much attention.

I think "this won't do" can easily apply to that whole [indulgent] introduction (probably amply revised) to a music review.

I'll give Zen Arcade a fourth try.

Prophets of Rage album reviews translate to: "Wow, my Twitter retweets sound really stupid when they're set to music by guys in their 50s."

This review is so damn long I need a Sheikah Slate to stay oriented. Drop a pin on "to be fair."

I reckon if you called a woman "bazooka-voiced" IRL, you'd get yourself slapped, grandeur or no grandeur.

Read your stuff out loud before posting. If you think you don't have time to read it aloud, it's too long. If it sounds bad, it reads bad.

As much as it might be tempting to believe that this ugly-ass writing style is limited to music...I give you ESPN.

Twitter should cut the character limit to 70 and re-brand as Quipper.

Nothing says holiday spirit like Alice in Chains.