Scientific survey confirms rioting is what is happening right now, p> 0.05

Rioters have broken into Norman Cook's home and stolen all his Hawaiian shirts. #Brightonriot

Citizens are advised to beware of a berserk, shirtless Norman Cook stalking the streets of Brighton.

Police are investigating claims that Professor Brian Cox has been using science to cause the riots. A court case is to follow.

RIOT WARNING: If you are ever caught in the middle of a riot, stay absolutely still. Rioters can only see movement.

The same applies for Raptors, Rectors and Realtors.

"Guns Don't Kill People, Rioters Do" says new study.

"Rioters Don't Kill Guns, People Do" says new dyslexic study.

Brightonians wishing to avoid the riots are advised to remain in a door #brightonriot

BREAKING NEWS: News is that rioters are breaking things in Manchester.

BREAKING: Government denies existance of Manchester among accusations that riots are happening "there". #manchesterriots

Brighton riots now spreading to ocean, with scuba-diving rioters "kicking the ocean" according to Ray Mears. Two haddock were startled.

BREAKING: Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria-Hungary (eventually) leads to #manchesterriots.

Later tonight: A report from Bear Grylls in his Hotel - "Does nature riot?", and a report from Austin Stevens about snakes or something.

Riot guns withdrawn from police after Mancunian thinktank declares that firing riots at other riots "achieves nothing". #manchesterriots

Reports that rioters have inflicted over £1,000,000,000,000 of damage are "hopelessly optimistic", delares serial pessimist. #UKRiots

David Cameron has today legally changed his title from "Prime Minister" to "COBRA Commander". Chancellor Skeletor supported his decision.

Riotous rioters have continued rioting in riots. Riot experts declared the riot situation "riotous". #Riotousriotersriotinginriots

LATEST: Rick Stein opens fush and chup restaurant in New Zealand. Also, riots.

ALERT: Anyone you know could in fact be a rioter in disguise. Tell tale signs are darting eyes, NIKE trainers and rioting.