Very excited to announce the opening of my bakery, "Much Ado About Muffin'."

It's been brought to my attention that "Much Ado About Muffin" has already been done. As such I have decided to sell the bakery and focus on my breakfast food truck, "The Winnebagel."

"That's one small step for man, and one giant penis-shaped rocket for those pussies Branson and Musk to suck on I'M THE KING OF THE FUCKING WORLD!!!" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

Look. It's not his fault dicks are aerodynamic.

In Sonoma County you can actually get a ticket if you're not drunk texting while you're driving slow in the left lane

My brother's puppy just lifted his leg to pee for the first time and I'm disproportionately proud. I'm calling it his little doggy bark mitzvah. I'm going to give a speech at lunch.

Every winery, brewery, and bar I've ever worked at has had antacids in the first aid kit and I think it's cool the first aid people are sympathetic to how often people in those industries work hungover

Never forget that the movie Armageddon is predicated on the idea that it's easier to teach oil rig workers how to be astronauts than it is to teach astronauts how to dig a hole

I'm not saying working on an oil rig is easy, I'm just saying none of the stoners from my high school ever worked as an astronaut in Alberta for the summer to pay off their gambling debts

1 out of every 3 Bob Dylan songs are like "You're looking for a man who will treat you well? Sorry bitch!"

The only certainties in life are death and taxes and the new girl at your job using the bathroom right after you poop

Whenever someone tells me they started comedy during the pandemic I like to hit them with an eye roll and an "ok zoomer."

Only Fans has announced their new model: a blank screen you pay $20 a month to jerk off to

I get so annoyed when someone asks me to work at work

Lol @ Only Fans blue-balling their puritan investors.

White reggae is just Christian Rock for people with crabs

For legal reasons I’m going to jail

The next James Bond is going to be a woman. I can't wait to hear the Bond-boy's name. I'm thinking "Dick Saplenty."

How is "Ring-O Star" not British slang for butthole?

Recently Justin Trudeau claimed the unv*ccinated are "often racist" and wondered whether we should "tolerate" them. Not only is this ludicrous, intentionally divisive, and vile, it's also a great opportunity to remind everyone that this is a man who DID BLACKFACE SEVERAL TIMES