#1645. If your life is all about getting hammered and screwing things, congrats. You're a tool. #brotips #sub

Writing papers: 30% fact 70% bullshit #CTL

I still think Barack Obama stole "Yes We Can" from Bob the Builder..

I am not ready for summer break to end, I am just ready for Fall weather to begin.

#2250. Moving from your parents' house into a dorm that they paid for doesn't mean you can brag about "moving out... via.me/-4bwhmnq

#2251. A girl will be able to tell a lot about you based on how you treat your mom and sisters. Keep that in mind... via.me/-4bwy44c

What I learned at Bain Capital would help me as president to fix our economy, create jobs, and get things done mi.tt/NoERGM

You don't have to be a Mormon to have #MormonProblems. Example: Barack Obama

Politicians lie not because they're evil, but because they say what voters want to hear. So it's we who are the problem.

Studies show that people who overthink tend to create problems for themselves that weren’t there to begin with.

America 2012: The Learning Channel has HoneyBooBoo, History Channel has PawnStars: and the Science Channel has PumpkinChunkin

Darwinian Natural Selection poised to cull the herd: All those drawn to shorelines seeking a close-up view of Hurricane Sandy

Tomorrow’s election will have historic repercussions for our country. Make America strong again. Vote for Mitt Romney.

This election is a total sham and a travesty. We are not a democracy!

Studies revealed that on average, fans of Lil Wayne's music have lower test scores than fans of Beethoven (who have some of the highest).

Things you might say if you flunked Astro101: "If we ever send humans to the Sun, it's probably best to go at night"

I have huge respect for restaurants that list things $10 on a menu,instead of $9.99. What kinda morons do the rest of you think we are?

Happy Fiscal Cliff Eve everyone!

If you can park it and not look back as you walk away...you bought the wrong truck.