My friend can’t go out on Friday because she has to take care of her kids but she said I can come over and we can drink in her closet. Is this what it’s like to have friends who are parents?

I see you, yellow limousine in a cornfield. Live your life, queen

I have never seen a woman look hot in a leather jacket. Women don’t look good in leather jackets, don’t even try to prove me wrong

I got three different types of cheesy foods for lunch today because I am an adult and no one can tell me otherwise

The only way I’d ever get in a submarine is if she’s driving

VeggieTales fan fic, but it’s just this guy telling his wife “give me that asparagussy” over and over

Science question: If I eat a bunch of cookie dough and then lay in the hot sun, will the dough bake into actual cookies in my stomach?

The people who came up with the idea for back up cameras deserve all of the good things in life

The only ethical consumption under capitalism is this pussy

Isn’t that… a towel?

There is no way for women to be seen as the “right weight.” We are always “too fat” or “too thin” or “too muscular.” Someone will always tear a woman down for her weight, no matter what it is