i hate cutting oranges at a bar bc it only gets used once, in a blue moon

My five year plan is to see how it goes

when the world needed him most, he vanished John SUMIF() (fan)

the owner

travelling to congregate around a giant cube the people yearn for islam

what are the odds that i set some personal boundaries around why i don't want to associate with certain people on social media anymore and just now i get an email from Instagram claiming that i had requested to re-set my password be so fucking serious rn

too loud

haven’t even left new york yet and i’ve already cried twice, i can’t believe my little brother is getting married😭

sitting first class for our flight to Alabama, so i ordered a screwdriver to quell the anxiety tell me why this flight attendant poured two shooters & a whisper of orange juice into my cup😭 pray for me y’all

as we’re taking off, my dad goes “look, that’s Rikers, let’s all wave to Diddy!” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

dad just downed his bloody in 2 sips and asked for another, happy wedding weekend

i love listening to my parents love story cuz both of them were arguably the biggest fuckbois of their generation my mom was engaged 3 times and my dad was on Oprah as one of Chicagos most eligible bachelors. they still found each other & said yea, you’re my person goals fr

a bodega wtf are we even saying

weird hill to die on, but at least you’re dead

ladies, let’s be so fucking fr for a minute STOP HOVERING OVER THE FUCKING TOILET SEAT IN PUBLIC BATHROOMS

RIKERS !!

i love being hot & tan

ridgewood is a great neighborhood to live in for anyone who ever dreamed of getting off the train in brooklyn to walk home to their apartment in queens

rly need my brothers mother in law to stop harping on how single i am plz & thx

holy hell 💀