I didn't want to start a war, I just wanted you to help me.

Instead I'm here thinking that this confirms my thoughts that I'm only your friend so you can keep me around to feel better about yourself.

"I might not be where I want to be, but at least I'm not as big a fuck up as you." That's what you really think of me, huh?

If I was a girl, I would wear booty shorts year round.

"I've been on hold for nearly an hour!!" DON'T FUCKING CALL IN THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAY!! :)

Here there be morons.

New picture (surprise taken by a friend) for @notadume This is what a flash at 10pm does.LMAO

I have to sleep. But I drank coffee. But I have to sleep. Gaaaaaaaagh!

There's not enough coffee in the world right now. There should, however, be less stupid people.

Sign up now and get $50 worth of self loathing! Also a scale so you can assign arbitrary numbers to inanimate objects.

Damn these kids. Damn those kids. Fuuuuuuuu my spine! #ANormalDayInCharlesXaviersLife

Wait! My paralysis is tingling! There's evil ahead!

Girl next to me: I just passed a bloodclot the size of a baseball. Me: O_o

I would like to extend my apologies to all women who have periods. I'm so so sorry. -offers blankets, mac&cheese, back rubs & love-

Why am I somehow always thirty minutes early for everything? -sits in car doing nothing-

Wiggle that wiggle that make it shake like jello! -attempts twerking again, breaks spine- That one was my fault...LILJON

Opinions are like nipples, everyone has them, women's are more relevant, but all you see are men's.

I want to live in a world where on breaks and lunches in call centers you can have a beer.

The news about Disney's upcoming live-action #Mulan is the best news I've heard all day! Are you excited! I'm excited! How excited am I...?

-logs on after months- Oh gawd. There's people here. Ugh...people....peeeeeepooooooooole. -cha cha slides real smooth back to bed- NOPE