(765): The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.

what song would you play if you were trying to scare your neighbors into moving

(931): How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die

Happy Father’s Day to that pack of smokes your dad ran out real quick for all those years ago. Enjoy Arby’s

remove all of the bathrooms from churchs right now. you need to be doing that at home

How are you meant to know if it’s IBS or you’re just putting too much mayo in your coffee

You don't know what you're capable of until you are forced to do it. And after that, you never forget.

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

Duck ponds are weird because it means that someone sat down and decided what the area really needed was something to bring in a bunch of loud asshole birds.

while she never actually wrote it into the books jk rowling has confirmed that draco malfoy was a libertarian vape enthusiast deeply invested in bitcoin

Me my entire life: Barely realizes snowboarding exists Me 2 days into the Olympics: If McMorris thinks he's getting on the podium with anything less than a clean 1620 toe grab, he's a fool

My favorite Winter Olympics sport has to be the one where they fuck the snowman

haha good luck maryam

How many swords is too many swords to bring on a first date

Time keeps moving on. Doesn't matter what you do.

…so, you don’t have to lie to me. I don’t want you to have to lie to anyone anymore.

(518): Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical. (212): I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man