Girlfriend says we can afford hamburger 😎

Got kicked out of the magic show for doing counter spells

I never claimed to be twelve feet tall. I am, though. I am twelve feet tall.

Scientists are working on a video game

God loves blasphemy

James Bond should grimace every time he takes a drink of his martini

Your honor, is this sentence supposed to to be some kinda “gotcha”?

This medication will make your car go faster

There’s a new video on youtube

I have a Batman style contingency plan for all of my closest friends

Well, they’ve done it. They’ve finally invented something that pisses me off. I have no idea what this fucking thing is

Blowing my cover during the assassination attempt cause I keep pantomiming shooting the target in the head when starts talking at the sit down

Invented a device that obliterates my nuts when used incorrectly. Have not found the correct way yet

You don’t need to fix nitrogen. It’s perfect the way it is

Move it, peckerhead! Hey Arnold!

Busboys at this restaurant keep sneaking into the bathroom with dirty plates and coming out with clean plates wth

This guys son-in-law could beat up your son-in-law

Pussy is an aphrodisiac

Imagine drinking a beer with Homer Simpson

Doctor doctor give me the news. I have a gun and you’re going to die y