The best thing about audacity is that no one knows you have it until you use it.

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

Due to not wanting to, I will not be

i lied there’s no sex but there is a spider situation i need you to take care of

I can eat my daily recommended amounts of protein or I can have a full time job but I can’t do both

They’re just taking a break like Ross and Rachel did.

This all just seems like attention seeking behaviour

Explain it to me like I wasn’t listening at all the first time

Coworker: you look stressed Me: thanks, it’s probably from all this stress

I just found out my husband thought White Claws were energy drinks and he's been drinking one on the way to work every day.

Is some tiramisu from Italy too much to ask for

Her nipples only point down because she’s so disappointed in you.

Anything is a crisis if you want it to be

Just starting off the week trying to not stare at my colleague’s toe thumb

“Never been better” * I say from a fetal position

If most of the time we don't remember our dreams, it's so we can maintain our dignity.

What happens to mad kinds historically?

As far as I can tell women assert their dominance by leaving hair in the shower.