Hear me out, frats do formal recruitment but it gets filmed like the office & bachelorette so we can watch all the side eye & shade & see if Brad picks Sig Chi or ATO

Me: Ugh, is drinking all this water really worth it? My kidneys:

Big question: why did everyone stop using lanyards when we got to college??? They are so useful??? Now I lose my wallet like twice a day for the past 2 years??? all for what??? Fashion??? Not looking like a freshman??? Is my wallet worth those things???

Ok if it’s gonna be Space Force then we gotta rename the other branches so it all matches up. The Navy is Water Force. The Army is Land Force. The Marines are Punch Force. The Coast Guard is Swim Force. And duh of course the Air Force is Air Force Force. My work here is dumb.

I am confusion! I went on the discover page on insta and it is only giving me memes in Spanish! I don’t speak Spanish! How will I get my memes!?

I play life just like I play chess. By staring at the options for a really long time and still making the wrong move.

HOW messed up is it that Scotland had One (1) SPECIAL ROCK. Then England which has 1 million identical rocks and STEALS their special rock and says that they get the whole country too cause it’s a BUy-one-get-one

My brain to people I’m arguing with as it throws every bit of information I’ve ever learned out the window: you can’t attack my opinions if I don’t have any

Show idea: A Shrek home goods show. We get to see him make his meals and care for his swamp. Treated like HGTV but with the ogre everyone knows and loves

I’m not trying to start anything but in the classic song “Love Shack” by the B52’s the guy sounds like King Candy from Wreck it Ralph

I parked badly so instead of fixing it I moved my Christmas tree so it looked like I had no choice but to be uneven and an entire foot off of the curb

Common misconception: when I say “idk” most people think I’m staying *I don’t know*, but in reality I do know. I always know.

Team Snapchat has not sent me my Valentines Day snap yet and I am feeling forgotten