Home sweet home. Let's shoot some tequila, put on some Neil Diamond and get fucking nuts.

Don't blame me if I don't retweet you. I tried to, but your tweets suck.

American tourist in Canada: yo moose tits where can I get a chili dog?

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

i'm from a mountain state. i've been on a watchlist since i was 9

I fixed the headlight we can head out to the border anytime.

My neighbor said hello while I was walking to the mailbox with a mouthful of peanut butter, so I suspect she thinks I'm having a stroke.

Me: Finally got rid of that urn my ex wife gave me. Her: Was it cathartic? Me: No, Grecian.

Vague and ambiguous is my sweet spot

If overthinking burned calories, I’d be invisible.

Went out this morning to run a few errands, ran into friends and still haven't been home and now the plans to nap, eat, and get way too high by myself are ruined.

I believe in Bigfoot because Bigfoot believes in me

Maybe I did go a little fucking nuts. It was a weird summer, man.

Missionary because I don’t want to watch either of these teams

I don’t have a spirit animal because I’m no cultural appropriator, BUT if I was, it would be a possum. Everyone thinks I’m dead, and then I jump up and get their asses.

Every time you get an impulse to do something meaningful or make a contribution to this world, ignore it and get on social media instead. Be strong.

I am just going to be sitting here smiling like an idiot for a while

I’m making a Pope Leo XIV memory box. Could somebody from Chicago send me whatever persnickety hot dog you people eat?

Flashdance, but instead of water it's grated cheddar cheese

My Tweets may suck, but at least they’re short.