Sitting at the bar by myself drawing on a napkin, a beautiful woman walks up to me "What are you working on there?" I smile coyly and say, "Oh nothing, I'm kind of a writer these are just some ideas I've been working on." she peers closer to see I've written most of the alphabet.

!! NORMALIZE PEEKING AT YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS !! Fact: People with ADHD and anxiety are often distressed when put on the spot opening their gifts. Peeking allows them to plan and rehearse their reactions ahead of time.

When I bring my date home and she sees my collection of poop rings

And now I want to hand it over to the wickedly talented president of Ukraine, Volodymyr Dazeem

So sad that Robin Williams died before he got to go on Hot Ones

As a badass Gen X this is what I have to say to the party elites trying to force out MY PRESIDENT. Biden till we die!! And if you soft ass gen z have a problem with this kiss my ass!!

STOP everything you're doing & listen to what Jewish American Doctor Mark Perlmutter saw in Gaza:

Believe it or not I called this and it’s an actual hotline where he is asking for genuine feedback on his driving. I guess he’s an instructor and he uses this as an opportunity to learn something and teach something at the same time. Really cool

If any white correspondent delivered these words into a camera, the whole world would stop

Me

Crazy how y’all still stan SpongeBob when he is friends with this LITERAL murderer

POV you’re a bumblebee I saw at the park

I could really use your thoughts and prayers right now trying to get 200 thousand dollars

We need Christmas back ASAP

When you think about it it’s crazy that they were just keeping fat bastard’s poop right there next to the coffee. Sure, Austin could have been paying better attention but it was almost as if someone wanted a mix up to happen!

I’m sorry but if you need to limit your screen time I think you’re a fuckin loser! You’re weak!

🙄 Wtf do you want?

My YouTube algorithm is perfect

what looney tunes needs is a prequel where bugs bunny confirms elmer fudd & marvin the martian are not on the spectrum before Targeting them

I’m starting to get worried they’re gonna make the Vagina Monologues woke