something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

In Japan's Nara Prefecture, a herd of deer took shelter from the rain with people

I think I’m going to stay ignorant when it comes to leprosy.

Let’s all say why we hate our kids. I’ll go first: I took them to the pay-by-the-weight fro yo place

Then: I’d close my eyes and see myself in slow-motion, running back a fumble 80 yards for the game winning touchdown, the Colonel Bogey march playing, the crowd going wild, cheerleaders crying, confetti flying… Now: I close my eyes and imagine a negative calorie pizza.

Me: I don't believe in ghosts Ghost: *tears in eyes* I'm trying my best

The truth is, I’m not a joiner. If everyone’s headed west, my natural inclination is to head east.

Not so much love but I'm up af for falling into some dumb luck.

I'm a little too old now to rage against the machine but I still do sometimes rant against it.

Cause of death: saying “Hi Barbie!” to too many random strangers

Sometimes I type my tweets slowly, with my American audience in mind

Realtor: What neighborhoods interest you? Me: No HOA, but I'd like to live next to an elderly woman who yells at me for not cutting my grass, but then I bring her some cobbler and she tells me about her husbands who all died mysteriously and we laugh because they deserved it.

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won't take you by surprise.

Have we discussed what a terrible cat owner Jon is for feeding Garfield lasagna?

My life is suddenly not my own today. I’m in a weird upside down wonderland and I ate the wrong pill maybe?? Neither was red or blue. lol Geez Criminy 😬

I get up 50 times a day to adjust the thermostat by one degree. I haven't figured out the perfect temperature yet.

To everyone I ever mocked for accidentally running your earbuds through the washer: I have some news that will please you.