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"Let them eat shit." - Marie Antourettes

Tom Brady is starting to look like a really beautiful horse.

Don’t neglect the fear koozie.

It’s hard to use the word tertiary in a sentence without sounding like the Swedish Chef.

You didn’t save money buying single ply toilet paper. I’m using the whole roll to wipe. Making full mummy hands in here.

The airport body scanner is actually scanning your brain. TSA won’t let you on the plane if you know more than 3.4 ounces of karate.

Very happy to be out of the bottle. It was not fine.

Monolith for rent 0 bedroom 0 bath $5000/m first/last + $600 deposit no pets no other gods

Friendly reminder to pick up your feet when you walk you flip-flop wearing piece of trash.

Tom Thibodeau always looks like he just crawled out of a rhino’s ass like Ace Ventura.

I'll work on the Wordle puzzle like it's the cure for cancer while the laundry pile on my bed goes unsolved.

I'm never more locked in than when someone tells me their dog doesn't like very many people.

The “Adventures” of Sober Man

I don't want to work. I want to eat several grams of mushrooms and walk around in the woods. That's how Bigfoot got his start.

You truly become an adult once you come to terms with the fact that there is nothing special about you.

Origin story.

I used to want abs but now my fitness goal is just not wanting to die from falling down at some point.

It’s not for everyone.

Another shameless promotion for the Final Destination movie.