i need to divorce my wife before she divorces me

colleague: how was your weekend me: i did cocaine with a horse

not to brag but I can read a whole book and immediately forget everything about it

How much bad news can we handle in one day? 9? 9 bad news? Is it 9?

Having a fully mature frontal lobe sucks, I want to shoot a gun at the microwave without worrying about it

I imagine it would be difficult to demand a divorce while sitting in a rocking chair

[doing any part of my job] This is the part of the job I hate

We’re building a new ride based off the United States Senate. The ride will cut your head off and then run you over

Not today, Satan. Soon, though. Please call my secretary to reschedule

Please welcome Prince Phillip to the haunted mansion ride

Life is simply about having the same few experiences thousands of times, then one time you fight a snake

robber: give me your wallet me: do your thing patricia girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

I like my women like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

im starting to think this stress relief tea is bullshit

[anytime im minorly inconvenienced] this is like dying

New olivia rodrigo themed ride called “cry upside down”

I just want to be rich enough where I never have to be seen in public again.

HER:I love Tolstoy's take on the human moral struggle ME:*Trying to impress* See I prefer Tolstoyee 3 where Woody was in the trash compactor

at last