Marx, Freud, and Nietzsche walk into an empty church. Marx: No more opium for the masses. Freud: No more fathers for sons. Nietzsche: No more Nietzsche for undergraduates.

Nietzsche, Freud, and Marx go to the park, notice people walking six feet apart. Nietzsche: They’ve found solitude. Freud: They’ve found themselves. Marx: They’ve just lost their chains.

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Nietzsche, Freud, and Marx log on to a Zoom meeting with their project manager. The audio isn’t working. Nietzsche: What are you saying? Freud: What are you really saying? Marx: Agreed. The revolution begins tomorrow at 9.

A gentle reminder from the philosophers. No, your life has not lost meaning. It has found philosophy.

Of course I have body issues, I can’t turn into a fucking wolf.

Remember: Let the abyss do the work.

what does not kill you makes you wait

This Mother’s Day remember, as much as you may be disappointed in yourself for being such an irrelevant entropic tangle of neuroses and perversions, your mother is vastly more disappointed in you Enjoy Arby’s

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

The Teletubbies are bloody terrifying in black and white.

Dream home requirements: needs to have a spiral staircase & there must be something in the basement that wants me dead.

*zooms in on the bookcase in your selfie*

A french kiss is when you use tongue. A goth kiss is when you bury their heart beneath the floorboards.

I don’t want to time travel, I want to disappear.

I go to a hair salon where you can get a hand job while you get your hair cut. It's your own hand though, and you have to be discreet.

I'm not thankful for shit. Life is a carnival of pain. I wish death would pull me into sweet oblivion. Shout out to my cat Buttons.

Postmodernity: when you're not sure if you're bored of waiting for the apocalypse to happen, or bored of witnessing it every day.