I might be stating common knowledge here, but… redd.it/10rzhxv

I told the carpenter not to carpet my steps… He gave me a blank stair.

I went to a psychic. I knocked on her front door. She yelled: "Who is it?" So I left.

A man walked into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said - "Once upon a time, there was this handsome lobster…”

Unf

//Twitter done with it's nonsense yet?

You should always fear a pirate duck. It has the power to unleash the quackin.

My wife says the salads I make tend to be a bit on the “dry” side. It’s definitely something that needs addressing.

Yes, we do.

I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159. Then it just CLIX.

Why did the chicken go to the gym? To work on his pecks.

What do you call a made up color? A pigment of your imagination.

I wish my grey hair started in Las Vegas.. ..because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

On my to work this morning I saw some pallbearers carrying a coffin. After work I saw them again, carrying the same coffin and I thought to myself, 'These guys have lost the plot'.

What do you call friends you like to eat with? Tastebuds.

I laughed once Jarvis explained it.

The Spiderling is funny.

Earth is... Strange.