Me: so which ones have jive asses Turkey farmer: what

people who get diarrhea from taco bell are weak and their bloodline is weak and history will forget them

Took Adderall too late in the day yesterday and was up until 4am writing down compliments i could give a judge to get him on my side if im on trial

I’m teaming up with modelo to free every animal in this pet store

BOSS: Have you sorted the competition prize money? £12,000 isn’t it? ME [CLEARLY WEARING A BRAND NEW £76 BANDANA]: Yeh something like that

Huge news for early birds

The funk soul brother

no, comrade—OUR neck. OUR back

bird sounds

This means there’s a Waluigi Mangione who works in private equity

please believe me

You’ve been hit by You’ve been struck by A grey Subaru

Not very good at it

The plan? We’ll start a sparkling wine business out of Champaign, IL

Yes, it's a longstanding rule that the Pope must be Catholic.

Just came up with a new one time verification code 232871 Amazon @apple @microsoft just in case you're interested

"twin", "king", "queen"... why are the youths calling each other mattress sizes

Rest in peace my granny. I will not be disclosing the cause of her death for privacy but if you wish to donate to the funeral please direct all funds to the Bazooka Attack Victims Association.

A horse is just a motorcycle with a butthole.