Ah man I'd love to come to your barbecue but I'm not hungry that weekend

‘Booty’ and ‘butt’ are synonyms. ‘Call’ and ‘dial’ are synonyms. But, a ‘booty call’ and a ‘butt dial’ are VERY different things.

what was that guy laughing about at the beginning of feel good inc

mogged? brother, back in my day you were pwned

I just scheduled an email for 8:13am instead of 8:00am just to seem less desperate and more casual like I just cooked this one up on the go kind of vibe

My oil painting of Cinnabon

This woman said: My husband and I saw Gone Girl in the theater and when it was over, a man behind us with a southern accent said "Wow. I'm surprised." And 11 years later whenever either of us is surprised about something we say "Wow. I'm surprised." in a southern accent and then

Dude behind me at lunch ordered “The usual.” Got hit back with a “and that would be?” Has to be absolutely devastating. Can’t even imagine.

Went to the Oreo website and hit accept all cookies. Now we wait.

I'm pushing on pull doors in buildings you've never heard of

the dead horse is beating me

drinking with someone who likes martinis is always weird cuz they’re like “i want it filthy and wet raw missionary with eye contact and sloppy making out” like alright man. cool. im happy u found a drink u like

And the chicken, is it jerked in house?

the elephant in the room? that’s my emotional support elephant. he goes with me everywhere

That gap in my resume is from when I was an Avenger

You'd rather I beat a live horse? A horse with a family? With a career? With its best years still ahead of it? You're sick.

I dislike people that grab you when they laugh hard... unhand me you goblin.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words, which feels a bit passive-aggressive.

me trying to find the HDMI port on my TV

went to the Shut the Fuck Up factory and they said ur late for ur shift