People confuse atheist and agnostic. Atheists believe there definitely is no god. Agnostics believe there definitely is no god but have learned to shut the hell up about it. #atheists #agnostic #shuthehellup

Pregnant women are like busted ass super heroes. Their hearing gets heightened, but the only thing they can hear is that third trimester closing the door on your one escape route.

Playing our favorite Fort Collins game today. Homeless or rich white kid?

If you’ve ever wondered what the antithesis of fame is, it’s getting recognized as a stand up comic by the person whose house you’re cleaning. Waka-fucking-waka

Following their decriminalization of psilocybin mushrooms, Colorado announced that they will be following Widespread Panic on their summer tour and going back to school in the fall... maybe, dad.

Following the decriminalization of psilocybin mushrooms, Colorado announced that they will be changing their name to that pinky finger-thumb-hang loose gesture.

I’m guessing this won’t make it to a congressional vote. instagram.com/p/BxS-dzCAreS/…

I’m so glad I have a vasectomy. I can’t imagine how exhausting it would be if I had to spend the next 18 years avoiding my kid.

I wish I had the confidence of the man that people seem to think that I am.

A new class in Fort Collins titled, “Drink With Your Dog: Brewery Manners”, trains dogs on how to act while hanging out at local breweries. Another class, “Don’t Be Such A Cunt”, trains humans to do the same thing.

Snowfall at the end of May in Fort Collins?!? Finally! Solid proof that global warming is a hoax!

Friday, June 7th. TWO WEEKS AWAY! Lucha Libre & Laughs celebrates six years of wrestling and comedy, with some truly crazy matches, and amazing comics. Get your tickets today (group pricing available) at theorientaltheater.com/event/339723

Over one million people have signed a petition demanding that they remake the final season of Game Of Thrones. Those same people signed another petition demanding to know what a vagina feels like.

Game of Thrones ending is our 9/11. I mean... our other one.

The owners of a Noah’s Ark replica in Kentucky have reported massive damage due to rain and flood water. Jesus denied any responsibility for the shoddy carpentry, saying, “That was before I worked for the company.”

I feel the same about Game of Thrones that I do about tour. I’ll do it- out of resentment and boredom- but no fucking way am I gonna remember everybody’s names.

I’m never going to be able to write “clean comedy”. Just wrote a joke about service dogs and it has references to cancer and Nazis, the death of a teenage girl and a war veteran, and a horse dying as it runs into oncoming traffic. The joke’s about cool dogs.

I’M TIRED OF ALL THESE MOTHERFUCKING BABIES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE

If you still haven’t seen the final episode of Game Of Thrones, it’s like, do you even care about politics?

God is the friend of silence