Before hanging up with customer service I like to whisper “hey- you got this” in case my call was recorded for training purposes.

It took 70 years but it finally happened.

You can’t hurt me. I used to wait all week to watch 5 cartoons.

RunwayDan They could just say "I don't know how to put gas in my own car" and save everyone all that reading

in 1985 the pope recognized a miracle that was performed by my dad when he got my mom to sing stairway to heaven while he wrestled a large raccoon on the front lawn in front of 2 cops.

People use too much soap. Way too much.

I don’t think I’ve ever used the 9 button on the microwave.

Grok going home after another week of putting bikinis on fat men.

[shooting holes in an old refrigerator]: I don't know maybe she's not my type

Grief is love with nowhere to go.

5 ways to avoid being tricked on April Fools Day Method 1: ...see more

We should surrender to Iran for April Fools’ Day.

If I was a shark I'd probably be an Okay White Shark and just sort of hang back from the Great ones.

Did you know that chairs are 33% AI? The rest is CH RS

Any time a child memorizes a bible passage, they should be allowed to have one cigarette

Every time somebody takes a piece of gum out of their mouth and saves it for later on the rim of a glass, an angel gets war-crimed.

I'm only here to look for humor in all the wrong places.

*a squirrel in his cozy little nest, reading a candy bar wrapper like it was the evening paper, looks up at his wife* have we ever had any money?

If you have a man bun and a neck tat you can walk into any Denny's and just start cooking