When yr corrected for saying something dumb, it helps to yell "Frankenstein was the name of the doctor!" And leave.

Thinking bout that time they tried to make Joseph Gordon Levitt look like younger Bruce Willis and ended up with neither of them.

Throwing a "Put Yr Phone in the Bowl" party! Activities include: -staring -developing new tics -flashing each other our junk from inches away

Back in my day you didn't just go to a store and BUY IT you had to pretend to be friends while admiring the new bong they built from a plunger as you sit in their apartment which for some reason always smelled like cat pee even though you never saw a cat. For like, 45 minutes.

So damn sexy

My new exercise program's called Hank Pine's: Hit it til you're Hangry I don't recommend it.

Jeff is funny.

I call easy farts "velvet fog" after the smooth silky singing voice of Mel Tormé.

Tonight there was a woman walking an old dog that needed to lay down and she just stood there for twenty minutes with a serene look on her face, waiting... And it was one of the sweetest gaddamned things I ever saw.

Who's ready for a queer summer bummer anthem? open.spotify.com/album/1V12RsKp…

Part of why I love him is questions like this:

Those who can't live, coach.

This place is so fancy. The "deconstructed banh mi" is a baguette, pile of meat, and a hairnet.

Never play "Never Have I Ever" with straight people 12-15 years younger than you.

"Bears, they 69 and stuff." -Carolyn Mark (After informing us that bear tongues and bear vaginas are the same length. 8-10 inches.)

Happy Pride Twitter, been a while! Here is crop of crappy drag names brought to you by this ferry boat line-up: Ladies, gentlemen and others welcome to the stage... Faye Diddaway Phyllis Bottom Lucinda Loafers Iris Catall And the crappiest... (Enter yours here)

5 Reality Shows I hope to see one day: 1. Puppy Play Parlour (Gay) 2. Touch My Cactus 3. Ghost Lovers 4. Bears Baking Biscuits (GAY) 5. Drake and Kendrick's Lamaze Maze

Today I acquired a new level of time management that caused me to question my life, It’s called “sipping coffee while pooping” and I think we all need to slow down a bit.