Your new beginning, was my ending

Now you're just a follower I use to know.

Flashdance but with queso

If you're a good looking guy, the first thing we think is: he's probably gay.

Hope that helps.

When a TL aligns so perfectly it’s like the universe said go pee for Christ’s sake Penny & the Barbies That Guy Carmella Cannoli

Hookers are far cheaper than wives.

Choose the hooker.

you're in his DMs but I'm on his last nerve. we are not the same.

My cute doctor asked me how hot I felt today and then stuck something in my hole.

He was totally flirting.

raisins are just the beef jerky of the fruit world

And…………..
Let the spiral begin.

You’d have to be very special to me for me to share my Xanax.

Sometimes, I sound so smart I surprise myself!!

If you don’t think work has as much drama as high school why are we still smoking in the bathroom

I’m sure you are very handsome.

At least, that’s what your mom said.

Coffee: Because it doesn't talk back in the morning

Charlie Sheen has been eerily quiet of late and I don’t know about you, but this makes me nervous.

I vote for 2 Christmases every year

If another dude calls you a white knight for sticking up for female friends, I already instantly know they never get laid.