Just bought a Fit Bit online and my bank called to ask if my credit card had been stolen...

Remember, it is always possible that all those people who hate you are just very good judges of character...

If you took all the veins in your body and laid them end to end you would be dead...

"Update the force, Luke" Adobe Wan Kenobi

"I rock"- a semi-literate talking rock...

Yesterday my friends asked me to go camping so I made a list of the things I will need 1. New friends

I have an inferiority complex but yours is probably better...

My mate went fishing using liquorice for bait. He caught all sorts…

My mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party. That's when I realised that he was the favourite twin...

I'm thinking of having a bust made, but I don't want to get a head of myself...

It’s like my proctologist always says, “Sir, put your pants on, I’m a podiatrist”…

Aren’t animals amazing. I just passed the hospital and there was a sign saying ‘Guard dogs operate at this hospital’...

Exercise and extra fries sound alike. Coincidence? I think not…

List of my hobbies. Health food, working out, fitness, self delusion...

When I order Oatmeal I use the Australian word for it "Bacon"...

You had me at "you're under arrest"...

When most people say "It's the least I could do"...it was...

I’ve given up on asking rhetorical questions....... What’s the point?

"Don't even know why I bother transforming"- Pessimus Prime...

I would die for you, baby. Y'know, like, eventually...