You don’t want to mess with Ronald McDonald because he knows Krav McGa

Babe should I wear my toe socks to the club?

At a bar in San Diego saying “Let’s go daddies” anytime the Padres do something good and I’m not winning over any locals.

when twitter shuts down i'm going to need to find a new way to constantly beam the worst possible information directly into my brain

Let’s get that Jeremy Renner app back up and meet up over there

They are too scary

Every soccer team has at least one player with the worst haircut you’ve ever seen

I ate far too much bean dip yesterday to have a good day today.

What do you say we take this party up a level and put on some Shania

Are you referring to shaq the basketball player or shaq the edm dj?

Been off here a while and in that time I got really into riding my bike and sewing backpacking gear who want me

Not now babe I’m eating a costco rotisserie chicken

How old am I? Well I pour beer out of the can into a glass because otherwise the bubbles hurt my tummy.

A St. Louis based Paramore cover band called Missouri Business

But your honor, it was miller time

"I'm the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit" "Not anymore" New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

How many ladies aint scared 2 fart in front of ur man?

"Name and address?" Peter and no thanks, I prefer pants.