I genuinely think I could beat an entire retirement home with my barehands minus the staff. Like a John Wick scene but with more spilled pudding and confusion.

Brazzers ads are just ‘romantic comedies’ for perverts. As charming as ‘When Harry met Sally’ was, a landscaper helping a lonely yoga instructor shimmy her hips outve a dryer is just as endearing.

Instagram is great for staying in touch with friends and seeing what pornstars had for Brunch.

Who in the fuck told iPhone cases they could be worth more than 5 bucks? You think your special bitch? Your just here cause if I drop you, YOU break. Your the toilet paper of phones. Your just garbage on layaway you dumb flimsy plastic whore.

Before anyone calls me a Monster, I just want to clarify...I only eat veal cause I hate kids.

What are the squatter rights on escape rooms?

Oh you don’t serve Irish carbombs here? Okay cool, can I have a pint of Guinness and a shot of Baileys and then can you go look over there for a minute?

I was told by the staff at a beer garden NOT to do a joke I have. I’ve never felt more seen. Not only did they remember, they made a note to tell me not to do a joke. Anyways I’m opening with it.

I wanna start calling people with seasonal depression, “part timers”

Imagine being the guy who’s in horrific debt opening a trophy store.

I’m starting to think these bikini models on IG don’t care what I have to say at all.

By #FreeBritney we mean, # let her go on tour again so she can sing ‘im a slave for you’ right?

Y’ever watch a zamboni miss a spot during half time at a hockey game and your just sitting there squinting like Larry David in a Curb episode for the restve the night? Same. #NHL

I want someone to make one of those painting of two lovers once again embracing in heaven, but it’s John Madden and Betty White.

I might never ever meet them, but I fuckin love your dog.

Tonya Harding being an ‘anti-masker’ is wild. If there was one person who’s life could’ve been better if ONE person at a certain time just wore a damn mask that’d make there life better…you’d think.

The View is cumtown for moms. #theview

My buddy Evan wrote me a comedy bio that’s pretty good.

I dunno what the squatters rights are on escape rooms but it seems like a gray area. Any homeless person out there; I may have a place for you if you don’t mind sleeping in a bank safe with a globe and nerd with riddles or some shit.

How about Comedian in Cars getting road head, but Jerry doesn’t tell his guest what the shows called until they get in.