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The Earth is round, it's your head that's flat.

Best price around.

People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don’t want to see a band called “Parking Violation” at the County Courthouse.

GM—

white people be like i have to pick up my dog’s Invisilign

I can’t stop laughing. …..

😂😂😂

Life Hack : If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically search the the sky ☁️🦅, everyone with the yappy little dogs will leave.

Good morning, b, p, d, and q are the same letter and no one talks about it.

Sorry for my bad behavior. Mercury is in gatorade or whatever.

If my phone is so smart why does it let me open twitter

Teen wanted to drive me to the clinic. Cost? $200 because they locked the keys in the car...

sometimes girls just have damage on their cars. you shouldn’t be asking about it

The toughest part of my exotic dancing is trying to take my socks off while hopping on one foot like a flamingo

Imagine buying a new car and some superhero throws it at an alien

The people who are $37 trillion in debt are giving you a credit score.

It’s always a huge relief when I’m reading a list of symptoms of a deadly disease and it says unexplained weight loss.

HOWLING