Headline: Liz Truss reveals Queen Elizabeth II’s final words to her before monarch’s death.

I really hope it was 'Fuck off.'

'The Princess of Wales has requested privacy at this time.'

Says the journalist, stood outside Windsor Castle, with a microphone and a fuck off camera as she hands back over to the studio where 3 'experts' are waiting to discuss... 🙄

I didn't get the job.

Apparently, when asked 'Where would you like to be in 5 years time' I shouldn't have answered 'At home, avoiding everyone.'

When people in the office who love the sound of their own voice and do nothing but talk shit all day, every day say to me 'You're quiet today?' I'm always tempted to respond with
'Yeah, I highly recommend it, you should try it some time.'

Today I shouted 'Oh fuck off!' at a temporary red traffic light that stayed red for more than 5 minutes if you want to know how hard I am.

I know it's a running joke that dads are obsessed with turning the thermostat down, but I'm currently living in my parents' house because my dad is unwell and he fiddled with the thermostat using his phone app FROM HOSPITAL.

Emmerdale has always had some far-fetched storylines, but this one where the character gets to see an NHS hospital consultant 24hrs after being referred has got to be the most unbelievable ever.

can’t get my head around skiing holidays. going abroad to be cold and fall over? no thanks. also it’s tory

To all the retailers sending me emails declaring 'There is still time to grab a bargain!'

I just checked my bank balance mate and can confirm, there fucking isn't.

Not sure how many glasses of wine it takes to get into the new years eve spirit, but so far, it's not nine.

Just set my scales back by 11ibs.

That's my Christmas Dinner prep done.

Word of advice: Do NOT drink whilst wrapping Christmas presents.

Also, if anyone gets the gift of a pair of black framed spectacles from me, I’m going to need them back, please. 🎄

4 year old is livid because she thought we were travelling by FAIRY.. not FERRY 😬

Love the irony of a company sending me a letter to tell me they aren’t going to send letters anymore.

Never argue when wearing flip flops.

No matter how angry you are, you'll never be able to storm out the room convincingly.

The shareholders must be bricking it...

It can take me over 2 hours to decide what I'm going to watch on Netflix, but only 10 minutes to fall asleep after it's started.

I've made some terrible mistakes in my life, but I've never chosen a packet of prawn cocktail flavour crisps as part of my meal deal, so there's that.

Me & my husband can sit in silence all evening then the moment I step foot into another room in the house he will shout something inaudible through to me & I will shout back that I can't hear him & he will shout back that 'It doesn't fucking matter.'

Stay single kids.

I'm not sure who didn't get the memo, but just to confirm, living your best life does NOT involve camping.