Girls be like “let’s keep things casual” and then tell you you have a beautiful soul

I’m outside of my house in my car watching reels and burning through my data. It’s called self care

The girl from that song Last Christmas: Does anyone want this heart? Some dude just gave it to me yesterday lol. You could just have it

What has happened calorically these past few days can never happen again

“One Battle After Another” sounds like my poops over the Christmas holidays

Huh, turns out the laundry room in my apartment building is a FreshSlice now

“How was the pool honey?” “It was good, but, jee whiz, some big old hogs in there tonight”

Every time I get dumped, one of my friends says “Well, at least you’ll get some material out of it!” You guys, I have SO much material. I’m good 👍🏻

My gut is a lot like the Strait of Hormuz, there’s a lot of conflict going on, I don’t exactly know what’s happening in there but I do know that it can’t be good for gas in the future

The Duffer Brothers are so funny to me and I don’t know why. They’re like: “Me and my bro cooked up some spooky shit for you guys” and I’m like: “Alright, I’ll bite”

Every straight guy has had the thought like : “If it came down to it, I bet I could suck a mean one”

My hips don’t lie. My hips only tell the truth. You’ll have to answer one of my hips’ riddles three if you want to cross the enchanted bridge

“Hey sorry I can’t come in to work today, it’s just not the vibe”

Damn I am steadily gaining weight and I don’t know why. I wonder if it has anything to do with those donuts I’ve been eating for breakfast every day

“Jarvis, queue up some Jeff Buckley and send a text to every ex I’ve ever had”

If there was a Hall of Fame for fumbling baddies, I’d have my name on a jersey in the rafters

I’ve been steadily gaining weight this spring and I’m running out of excuses to explain what’s going on. I’m like “Damn, I somehow shrunk ALL of my clothes in the dryer, that’s crazy”

Hey man my face might be ugly but at least I have a horrible body