getting an MRI to see if the exorcism took

Tip for the boys: make all your unsolicited dick pics black n white so they become unsolicited dick art

my girlfriend doesn't care how much money I have in the bank, she cares about what's the inside (I swallowed all my money)

My mom had really bad postpartum depression. I can completely relate - I never really experienced depression until I was born.

Cotton candy is by far the most breathable candy

My girlfriend and I tried roleplaying last night - we never really got to the sex part - we just ended up making character sheets all night

I wouldn't mind getting a taste of my own medicine. I make REALLY delicious medicine.

life is too short to worry about cliches

Good news - I just found out my unpaid medical debt has become a collectors item!

Trauma is the new spice of life.

I don't trust banks. Thats why I put all my sperm into crypto.

Free radicals? What's the catch?

does ayahuasca get rid of bed bugs?

Say what you want about OJ... he's dead now

People suffering from 'tip fatigue' are really just suffering from 'pretending I'm not an asshole fatigue'

I hope I die penniless, I only want big bills

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Roses can be other colors too, and violets are actually more of a purple.

Pretty funny take on the word 'debate' I feel

things to remember: 1) you exist 2) you matter 3) others exist 4) others matter 5) maybe nothing is real 6) act like it is just in case tho

an app that adds all the vowels back into the names of all the other apps.