If we hug too long, I’ll probably try to burp you.

If I asked you to date me, just kidding that would never happen.

If my houseplants could talk, they wouldn’t say shit because they’re all dead.

Still looking for an answer to the question my older sister asked me years ago.. why AM I hitting myself?

Parents are type gangsta, saying nice stuff behind your back and talking shit straight to your face.

I’m a strong independent woman!!! *rides away on Strawberry Shortcake Big Wheel.*

There should be a Yankee Candle: Top of Little Baby’s Head

It’s important to acknowledge when your partner is right. I usually do it with a fuck you finger and some silent treatment.

My period is such a fucking attention whore.

I’m a Pisces, what’s your bullshit?

I now pronounce you Nagging Bitch & Lazy Ball Scratcher. You may flip each other off ❤️

I draw hearts on paper with my name and my maiden name.

Go outside!!!!

I am 100% committed to not giving a shit today.

Definitely getting a Cookiepuss on my next birthday.

I liked it before you deleted it

According to City MD, it’s just Monday.

*Doing the most amazing Fred Astaire impression* Husband: Put the cocktail umbrella down babe.

It's Day Drinkin' Time! I mean, it's The First Day of School! Same shit.