Me swiping through Tinder

"Millennials are spoilt" yep employers want 60 years experience and I'll be renting till I'm 109 so life's pretty fucking sweet thanks Brian

Me reading back 99% of the drunk texts I've ever sent

“Summer bodies are made in winter”

A Lindt reindeer is for life, not just for Christmas

My CV says I’m enthusiastic and by that I mean I’m really fucking enthusiastic about about Stranger Things and cheesy garlic bread

Me looking at the wine list, pretending I’m not gonna go for the cheapest option as per fucking usual

We all have that mate who can find out another person’s entire life story in 2 clicks... Like Jesus fucking Christ Alice, get yourself down to the next MI5 recruitment day hun

Roses are red, holly is green, my head says one cocktail, my heart says nineteen

When you’re trying to get your paralytic friend to the taxi rank but the dickhead won’t listen to a word you say

If you had to choose between men and pizza, would you choose Italian base or stuffed crust?

When a weird guy tries to dance with you and you give your mate the “come and pretend you’re my lesbian lover ASAP” look

Hitting up the girls WhatsApp group at 3am like

Person: how are you? Me: *is permanently tired, achieved none of my New Years resolutions, whole life falling to pieces*

Panicking in an interview and telling the interviewer your biggest weaknesses are tall men and ferrero rochers

Starting a sentence with “not trying to be harsh but...” to let everyone know you’re about to be the harshest bitch that ever did live

When a man tells you that women should be flattered by catcalling

Fitness bloggers: listen to your body My body: two kilograms of carbonara with side of roast potatoes and a dozen espresso martinis pls

Getting pumped up for another Monday like

Dreams can come true