one time my grandpa took me aside & asked if i could keep a secret & i said yes & he then told me about how he’s in a perpetual time loop where he keeps traveling back & forth between world war 2 & a limp bizkit concert

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

Sorry you got offended by my attempt at humor, man who posts poetry about Louboutins.

I just reposted your tweet despite the superfluous comma. Please don't let that happen again.

My OnlyFans is just me endlessly turning a roll of clear packing tape trying to find the end.

I don't think I'd make a good cat because I don't really like the taste of cat food.

My Top Five Movie and TV "Teens" That Looked Middle-Aged 5. The jock Don Moser in "Napoleon Dynamite" 4. Dylan McKay in "Beverly Hills 90210" 3. Betty Rizzo in "Grease" 2. John Bender in "The Breakfast Club" 1. Juan Epstein in "Welcome Back Kotter"

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom. my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

Don't even get into my car if you're just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

I'm my father's daughter, and if you see me sick, no I'm not; you saw nothing.

Plum, I'm told, is THE color of the season, which would be fine if it weren't a filthy lie.

“I went solely by color and design.” So, anyway, that’s how I ended up with $150 in lottery scratch off tickets.

I watched Mr. McMahon recently, and as the universe intended, I’m now in love with early 2000’s Stone Cold Steve Austin. He’s funny, works out and let’s just say, I’m going through some issues.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years? Me (terrified they'll discover I'm a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don't have to imagine.

I was on a college campus last night to see a show. When I left, the students were out heading to the bars. I carried my cardigan over my arm so that no one would accidentally invite me to join.

So great is my love for thee that I would nibble off the gross unfrosted edges of your Pop-Tart and give thee the delicious frosted piece containing all of the blueberry goo inside.

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt? - inventor of cranberry juice

a haunted house, but it’s a job interview where they read your tweets back to you.

Buy her a Burrito Bowl from Chipotle...bitches love Burrito Bowls.