Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

My kid said she can’t go to swim practice because she’s tuckered out after a long day at school. Now, I want to know what senior citizen poltergeist has taken over and if I’m in any danger.

My time is precious. Please don’t waste it by not being funny.

Don't bother trying to save the rest of that super glue tube

Mean streaks are gross. Cool, you used your wit and intellect to make someone feel like crap. Now what?

Welcome to Twitter, this is where Bullshit gets it’s wings.

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

“what’s your gut reaction” oh usually nausea

My local jcrew store is pumping out Busta Rhymes tunes to remind me that just because I’m buttoned up doesn’t mean I’m not one badass bitch.

I'm against bird flu and war.

I call it Morris Code because it sounds more badass.

My teen is taking the SAT today. As we were walking out the door, I asked her if she needed a special pencil. She looked at me and said We take it on computers. The air hung quiet between us. Oh I said. Huh I said. It’s the first year she added If it makes you feel any better.

While you were explaining Star Wars to me, I fell in love online with a bot, purchased $300 in bitcoin, and tackled a guy on bath salts.

Could we make the tweet font a little larger? I’m trying to drive.

When I was in grade school, I was sent outside alone to clap erasers during an eclipse and told not to look at the sky. I wrestled some demons that day, clapping those erasers. For those wondering, eclipses look pretty cool if you’re fast enough.

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

I love the moon, I love that little cosmic bitch

I brought my husband and daughter outside so we can ruin our retinas together as a family.

While we’re at it, don’t look directly at me tomorrow either. 🌖

As an adult now i understand why witches used to like staying isolated and put a spell on anybody who bothered them