(Intro narration for a three hour movie about a standup comedian) As far back as I can remember, I always thought jokes were funny

Absolutely nothing I hate more than someone who is weird about drinking out of the same bottle/glass/straw. Just the mental image of an adult, trying to delicately waterfall a sip of their friend’s drink at the bar, fills me with such disgust I feel like I need to take a shower

“Labubu” sounds like “Vajayjay” for the Labia. I hope that ruins your gay little dolls for you all. Or not. I actually hope your newfound passion brings you joy for years to come. Or whatever

(same cadence and intonation as “none the wiser”) Bud the weiser

The calories and sodium from eating popcorn does not count if there is a movie playing, I think this is something we can all agree on

Gene Kelly is an incredible athlete

If you’ve ever fucked up badly and had to just wear it while somebody chewed you out, try for a second to imagine the magnitude of the talking-to waiting for this guy when his feet hit the ground

Crazy how many adult Americans straight up believe in magic. And not just standard fare religion-as-magic stuff, I’m talking things that for most of modernity have been the domain of fantasy texts. Good to keep in mind, the next time you’re arguing with a stranger on the internet

Can’t wait to get recommended this 2-3 years from now by my uncle-in-law at a family gathering where everyone is drinking but he’s the only one who’s drunk

Bought a sleep mask and boy howdy let me tell you, you can’t even begin to imagine how much better you could be sleeping from the hours of 6-8:00am

Imagine you get on a roller coaster and the employee who does the lap bar checks walks over and locks your safety harness in place and immediately starts tickling you

The first teacher to take the test will also be the first person in Oklahoma state history to definitively prove that they are capable of reading

Woke up with diarrhea and an upset stomach. Iwonder if it has anything to do with the all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ I had for dinner. But probably God is just punishing me for some inconsequential decision I made earlier in the day and there’s nothing I could have done to avoid this

If you sell creatine monohydrate and you want a free $1,000,000, here you go. Find or fund a study that tallies the total number of studies showing creatine’s positive effects, then run an ad that is just: {picture of bottle of creatine} “It works.”^[number you tallied]