The bank sent a cheque back marked "Insufficient funds". Them or me?

There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

Bob: I have half a mind to get married. Sam: That is all you need to marry.

Shopkeeper: Madam dis panty & this bra wil look nice on U Lady: How can U b so sure? Shopkeeper: I'have done diploma in interior designing

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

Film Director: U have 2 jump into a swimming pool from a 100ft. Actor: But I don`t know swimming. Director: Don`t worry there is no water.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

What has 6 eyes but can't see? 3 blind mice.

AS SEEN ON A BUMPER :: Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

Son:Teacher says,`Father is the pillar of the family`then wat`s mom? Dad:She makes the pillar stiff, strong and worthwhile to raise a family

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

Heights of Frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.

Heights of Disgust: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.

Son: I want a baby brother. Mom: Your dad is overseas. When he comes back we will talk over it. Son: Why don`t u give him a surprise?

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer.

Bob: Dad, wat is SEX? Dad gets tensed but explains everything. Bob: But dad how to write all those things in this small box of school form?

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

#ItsGoodToBeAMan Movie nudity is virtually always female.

#ItsGoodToBeAMan You can open all your own jars.

#ItsGoodToBeAMan When clicking through TV channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.