They say people are better than things. We must know different people.

I hate watching HGTV. My next house will be a coffin.

If you say YOLO, I sincerely wish you didn't live even once.

I need a nap to recover from that nap.

I want to grow old with you. --me, to bacon

Remember when people threatened to move to Canada if they didn't get their way but then they didn't move there? It was every election ever.

My favorite part about your day is when you don't tell me about it.

I remember when movies cost a nickel. They were in black and white and didn't have sound. You get what you pay for.

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Mixed with vokda. Actually, just drink the vodka.

Sorry I didn't wake up in time for church 40 years in a row.

Probably the worst part about heaven will be all the people who think they're going to heaven.

My family got me a cell phone. It's pretty convenient. Now I can ignore them anywhere I go.

Our bridge game escalated into a knife fight in the nursing home common room. Typical Thursday.

The only thing worse than being old is being young. No way in hell I'd go back.

Getting old isn't hell. But hanging around millennials is.

Of course I only give you those weird hard candies. Do you think I want you to visit?

I don't need to hear the weather forecast. I'll check my arthritis.

Every morning, I wake up and think the same thing: Damn. I'm still alive. Guess I have to do stuff.

Remember kids, if you party too hard, you'll end up like me: Totally awesome.

I'm not dead yet. But I can dream.