Why is everyone a dick today?

#Alan is having a slush puppy. He really is making hard work of it.

Been wearing these an hour and no one has noticed. 🖒

Why are there not shops where you can just buy one cigarette for when you're a bit drunk and fancy a smoke?

I'm quite possibly the most hated person in this pub. #Wales #6Nations

Such a brilliant debut. Cannot wait to hear it live. Bravo TT. 👏

Note to self. Don't take a week off work, it makes you ill.

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Hang on. When did it stop being called an aeroplane?

So, it appears that today I went to the cinema in the future!

.Jim Bob's new book arrived today. Perfect timing. 👍🏻

.Absolute Radio sounding great while I'm in the supermarket queue 👍🏻 🎧

"Just popping to Cowley Centre seems like such a luxury right now" - a sentence I never thought I'd hear myself say!

Anyone else got neighbours that think 10pm on a Thursday is the best time to hoover out their car?

Massively disappointed in the residents of Coronation Street buying coffee from costa. If I was Roy, I'd be fuming!

Something's gone seriously wrong when the burger emoji isn't in your most recently used.

Happiness is knowing you're only an hour away from eating a burger.

Work colleague quote of the day: "I can't wait to get out of there and roll a joint as big as King Kong's hard-on!"

Did this today. One ticked off the bucket list. ✔