The lower the tax bracket, the more likely to have a very loud and very private conversation on speakerphone in public

*changing my settings so my iphone never shows me my ex’s face* my iphone: but don’t you want to see a montage of the romantic weekend trip you took together????

my boyfriend does this cute thing where he doesn't know i exist

A Revel driver just told me the company is owned by Pfizer and that's why the cars are blue.... to remind you of Viagra... Or little Viagra fueled sperms darting around the cess pool cervix that is nyc 💙💙💙💙

The issue with dating high value men is they give really good gifts and now that we’ve broken up this vintage Hermes bracelet feels like the worlds heaviest handcuff

Stop referring to yourself as a sapiosexual, you’re just a slut

If you ever want to start a conversation with a hot man you don’t know, ask him why we can’t just print more money???

Just found out a man I briefly dated is in federal prison for embezzlement and this is the kind of messy plot line that makes me a super interesting dinner party guest

****shouting into the abyss****

The correct flirt to roast ratio is him flirting with me while I roast him until he asks to leave

i forgot the wonder of throwing your hair to the wind and tweeting a vomitorium of thoughts as they come to you I'M BACK BABY

i'm only here because the men i'm trying to ghost follow me on instagram

my ex used to get annoyed with me over the silliest things i did which made me feel sooo dumb and that's how i KNOW i was blinded by love because he was barely 5'9"

Starting an email with “I appreciate your patience” when the recipient has been anything but patient.

The world is imploding but I just overheard the pest control guy who sprays my apartment for roaches tell my super that he thinks I’m beautiful 🥰🥰

the name Butker actually stems from the Norman-French word butuiller or butler which today would loosely mean "I wish i would have married my mommy who make my dinner and rub my tummy when it's doing a hurty"

Olympic gold medalist in getting under a man’s skin