My LOVE HATE knuckle tattoos looked pretty sweet until I lost my pinky finger at a firework display. Because, to be honest, I don't even LIKE my hat.

Being a Health & Safety professional is quite challenging when you are THE clumsiest person in the facility. *trips over own feet*

1 way to tell I've run outta weed, you'll see a lotta Tweets that are... well quite frankly, very similar to this one.

At least the creeps who message me on LinkedIn have ‘employed’ going for them.

Well... time to smoke myself stupid.

It’s kinda sweet that the Vet addresses emails to my cat to remind him of appts like they think he’s just sitting at the computer opening up his mail and marking the date in his calendar.

Just come in and work over shutdown... it’ll be easy they said. You can dress casually they said. You can crank your tunes they said. oh but THEY forgot to mention that there would be NO fucking air conditioning turned on in the offices! *slowly turns into a puddle*

Don’t ask me a question you can Google because I will tell you to go fuck yourself. Incidentally, you can Google that too.

They’ve hired some real winners to clean our office ducts. Actual conversation: Dude 1 - okay get ready to turn me on! Dude 2 - *giggles* D2 - let me know when I can start blowing you D1 - *giggles* D1 - stop! It’s coming out wet! D1 & D2 - hysterical laughter

My body may not be perfect but I can do perfect things with with my body.

The only anxiety I have about going on a date with a man 15 years my junior is the point at which I have to whip out my reading glasses to peruse the menu.

I'm so lazy, I'm more of an "atrophy" wife.

Guys, Be addicted to her, not a dick to her

Sometimes I wonder if the girl who took the midnight train to anywhere ended up with the guy who left on the midnight train to Georgia

“Sorry I’m running late... I got my hair stuck in velcro” pretty much sums up my day.

I can’t wait till I’m the age where I can sit in a Diner eating pie all day.

Traveling for work and my company decided to put me up in a hotel filled with Marines and construction workers. It’s like they know me or something. 😍

When a restaurant puts Miracle Whip on my sandwich instead of mayo... I want to burn down their establishment. Lunch ruined. 😩

Well the Air Canada saga continues... connecting flight delayed by hours, lost my premium seat that I paid extra for and now trying to locate my missing luggage. Gouge me for almost $1400 to fly between provinces at Christmas just to have THE worst service. #notahappycustomer