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NORTHERN IRELAND celebrate your Green Lane by not getting any tomatoes delivered 𝗧𝘄𝗼𝗽 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝗽𝘀

HOLIDAY MAKERS Avoid post-Brexit queues at Dover, simply by avoiding travelling to France when it is convenient for you to do so. 𝗧𝘄𝗼𝗽 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝗽𝘀

I just created a coffee stain in the kitchen and I’m fairly sure it’s predicting the end of the world where a master race of chickenmen rise and take over…

Why would ITV Sport put their microphones right by the drunk section? My surround sound is at least more insightful than Michael Owen though, I guess… #ChampionsLeague #RMAMCI

SUELLA BRAVERMAN perhaps the government should stop unemployment benefits for former Home Secretaries, as that appears to be a lifestyle choice… 𝗧𝘄𝗼𝗽 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝗽𝘀

JOEY BARTON, before having a go at women broadcasters, take a moment to listen to Michael Owen commentate. 𝗧𝘄𝗼𝗽 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝗽𝘀

CONVINCE people you’re Joey Barton by being so batshit crazy that not even Matt le Tissier will touch you on Twitter. 𝗧𝘄𝗼𝗽 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝗽𝘀

My grandpa who is 85 started making this rock map of Scotland in 1992.He collected rocks during amateur geology trips over 30 years. He says it had to be geologically correct and also aesthetically pleasing.He asked if I could share online as He wants to go viral so please share

“Once, whilst in Government, I suggested that a cutting a few quid in Nat Insurance would compensate for 14 years of wage freezes and austerity”

Easter eggs soon, chaps!

Liz Truss meets her Publisher! (featuring Nerine Skinner)

Luciano Spalletti’s jacket has a certain Accidental Partridge energy… #itaalb

REFORM PARTY. Sort out this mess by claiming that if you win, Putin will put a deal on the table the very next day. 𝗧𝘄𝗼𝗽 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝗽𝘀

PRETEND you're French by wearing escargot shorts. VIA @timcore74

PRETEND you’re an archaeologist, inspecting their fossil collection, simply by stooping to look at a Dunkin’ Donut display in a motorway service station. 𝗧𝘄𝗼𝗽 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝗽𝘀

GIVE your tweets an Australian accent with a strategically placed punctuation mark?

HOOK up with sexy bacon fat by starting an account on Rindr. VIA @timcore74

JONATHON GULLIS following your loss of seat, get lucrative work simply by donating millions to a Conservative government. 𝗧𝘄𝗼𝗽 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝗽𝘀

RIP Paul Danan Obviously, the most heart warming tribute came from Pu55yman Dan

Gino D'Acampo: make these allegations go away by getting character witness statements from the people you used to work with. Like Philip Schofield. 𝗧𝘄𝗼𝗽 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝗽𝘀