I bring the same 90-day coaching plan to every engagement. Because excellence is repeatable. #NotMyAgile

The stand-up is a ceremony. Like all sacred rituals, its power lies in repetition, not comprehension. #NotMyAgile

Not My Agile Stand-up is Stand-up. We will tell the same three lame jokes everyday.

Teams can’t handle flow. That’s why we lock them into two-week cycles and demand commitment. It builds character. #NotMyAgile

A good coaching plan is detailed, comprehensive, time-bound, immutable, and will work for all teams, regardless of their specific situation. #NotMyAgile

Let’s not confuse people with concepts like continuous delivery. They need more structure, more rituals, more rules. Then maybe, someday, flow. #NotMyAgile

If everything is urgent, it means you’ve achieved perfect prioritization. #NotMyAgile

When in doubt, just rename your project managers to "Agile Coaches." Boom. Transformation complete. #NotMyAgile

If the stand-up isn’t working, the answer is more discipline. Start on time, speak in order, stick to the script. Eventually, value will emerge. #NotMyAgile

Stop asking what the most important thing is. They’re all the most important thing. #NotMyAgile

Stand-ups aren’t for collaboration. They’re for status. If people start talking to each other, shut it down. #NotMyAgile

If someone says the stand-up isn’t valuable, remind them it’s not about value. It’s about consistency. #NotMyAgile

If the team fails to meet the Velocity goal, management needs to call for a retrospective to get to the bottom of it and help the team understand the urgency. #NotMyAgile

As your technical coach, it is my job to insist that you use the tools and libraries that I prefer because I have good reasons for my preferences. #NotMyAgile

We're 29% agile. We have six more classes scheduled this quarter, after which we'll be 54% agile. #NotMyAgile

It’s my job to protect you from tools I don’t like, so I’ll direct you to the ones I do. #NotMyAgile

Technical issues are not impediments because your Scrum Master cannot remove them for you. #NotMyAgile

If you aren’t certified, you aren’t qualified. #NotMyAgile

Strict adherence to the process is how you know agility is working. #NotMyAgile

As your Agile coach, I'll be making all the decisions for the team. Just follow my lead. #NotMyAgile