[Twitter staffs, trying to suspend my account in 2015] Staff 1: Damn it! Almost had him for inactivity! Staff 2: 2012.. 2013.. 2015. [does math shit] Data shows he's likely to tweet again in 2018. Staff 1: He'll forget... [2018] Me: LMAO 'sup guys???

Someone just asked me what's the difference between karate and taekwondo and now he's inside an ambulance.

People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw each other.

I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with a baseball bat.

"LMAO!!" - Magneto, when he saw Iron Man.

Cops don't like it when you ask them "Need some help?" especially when you're wearing a Batman costume.

I hate it when I throw my cigarette butt out of my car window and a gas station explodes.

I’m tired of chasing my dream, so I’m setting a trap.

I'm a very good listener. Sometimes people don't even know that I'm there behind their couch listening to their conversation.

"May I?" - me, right before I fuck something up.

What is the appropriate age to tell your imaginary friend that he is not real?

I don't always trust people but when I do, I don't.

I put the “dish” in the “dishwasher”.

I was so drunk last night that I tried to steal a swimming pool.

I took a lot of pictures of myself in Batman costume just in case I ever get amnesia.

NotKarma this took a year to write?

Life is all about balance. Because I'm usually drunk.

NotKarma Welcome back man! Or that's your contribution for 2015?

A lot of people hate my hamburger puns, but they don't want beef.