Coffee doesn't work very well when you put whisky in it.

The first 14 months of winter are ok. Then you get a bit fucking edgy.

I tweet all the time but the thing is I replace words with silence.

Yes I would like extra cheese, this is a boulangerie and I don't have time to play games.

Amelia Bedelia makes red velvet cake using Mrs Rogers antique velvet couch and gets cudgeled with a stair bannister

Then she stuffs a slice of cake she fortuitously made into the awning mouth of the furious matron whereupon all is forgiven

The moral of this story is that cake is the kryptonite of humanity.

Market pistachios with oscar pistorius and the detroit pistons. "Its all in the pist"

The fact is, almost all of the great times in your life revolve around putting things in your mouth.

Brunettes are the world's best kept secret.

Let's be honest, whether or not he'd catch a grenade for you really just depends on if there is still a pin in it.

Things are mostly irritating but occasionally some are delicious.

Ugh, can't decide between wine and more wine.

If you want to like people more, just lower your standards.

Oh him, yeah his odor is blinding but at least he's not doing crack off the kitchen table

Hello I am writing some more of these. Prepare accordingly

Russians in the floor! Russians in the bookshelf! Listening to you listlessly chewing your ham. Watching your elections, hungrily.

I had Stroganoff once. Am I in danger of Russian hacking?

The only hacking I tend to succumb to is due to years of chainsmoking.

There's being biased and then there's being right. I may be biased but I am also right.