If everything goes as planned I’ll be a homeowner on Friday and finally stress free

I spoke to soon on my last tweet about the house but it’s cool because as of today IM A HOMEOWNER!!

If I posted even half the things I thought or said I would be banned from Twitter in a heart beat 😂

when you have pets and you hear plastic rustling in the other room

I’ve never met someone that thinks Golf is a sport but soccer isn’t

This morning one of my managers told me a customer won’t let us treat her backyard anymore because I “killed her dog last year.” 😳😂

I think a tattoo would make me feel better

Can anyone tell me why my 9 rounds of Vegas bombs only cost $30? Not complaining but whoever got my bill last night must be pissed

Who’s momma is out there tellin kids life is fair? Spoiler alert, it’s not.

I got a tattoo of every funny scene in friends

Please stop ruining cookies. #NationalRoastDay

Don’t let this flop, help a guy out! Busch Beer

If you think a biological man should be able to compete in woman’s sports, you’re a fuvking idiot

Sometimes I wish I could just start over again

BREAKING: By a vote of 76 to 54, the Texas House passed a bill that would require public school athletes to compete with athletes of the same biological sex even if they identify with a different gender.

“Soggy biscuit’s and dirty dicks”